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C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

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Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

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Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

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Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

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A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

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A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

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Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Why don't you write books people can read?

Why don't you write books people can read?

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

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Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

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The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

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The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

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C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

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I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

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War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Are you making this up as you go along?

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

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Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

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I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

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The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

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A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

The truth is more important than the facts.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

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My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

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When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Unoccupied classifieds for adults. Dispatch and conception in spite of free. No censorship or restrictions.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

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As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

The Zune concentrates on being a Portable Media Player. Not a web browser. Not a game machine. Maybe in the future it'll do even better in those areas, but for now it's a fantastic way to organize and listen to your music and videos, and is without peer in that regard. The iPod's strengths are its web browsing and apps. If those sound more compelling, perhaps it is your best choice.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

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A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

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Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

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I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

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[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

I am not young enough to know everything.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

The truth is more important than the facts.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

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Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

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Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.